Dear Reader,
We don't generally spend a lot of time talking about sadness in Solution Focused work. But recently I've been referring back to a wonderful book in which the author asks the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, "How come you're always laughing?" to which the two gentlemen respond... by laughing. But then they add, "Make no mistake, we also weep, daily." They go on to explain something which I had never really understood, until that point.
I have heard a thousand times throughout my life about yin and yang and how you can't have light without the dark. I suppose I'd refused to admit it, resisted acknowledging the sadness.
Now I get it. The more we are able to experience joy, the more aware and involved we can be in the sadness and pain which abound in the world. Joy and self-love are the rocks on which compassion and empathy can take hold and can grow.
I sometimes worry that I'm too positive. But it does seem to help, and people value it. It's a gift and I'm grateful for it. Positive Psychology is not a naive quest for happiness. Nor is it a denial of what's hard. 'Positive' is not just smiles and "What's been good?". It is also "What do you want more of?" and sometimes, as many of my clients beautifully demonstrate, that is: being present and alive, even in the face of pain, suffering and sorrow.
Earlier today I was walking back from the beach and I paused to take in one of the most beautiful views in the world. The blue of the ocean, the white water glowing in the sun, the golden sand, the green of the grass. Then as I walked up the hill by the golf course I noticed three groundsmen preparing an unusual, flat area of earth, in an area which until recently has been thick bush and "out of bounds" to the golfers. (I know because I've put golf balls in there in the past with no chance of getting them out!)
Now they have cleared the deep brambles and in the grassy area that's left they are preparing this smooth area of soil. Too steep for a building, I thought. Too far from the clubhouse to be a practice ground. Too slopey for a tee. Mmm...
So I called through the fence to them, "What are you fellas preparing?" "A seed trial" replied the groundsman. "To see what grass grows best in the salt and wind. We're growing different types alongside each other. He's the seed man, that fella up there sells it, and I grow it. And you're the first person to ask about it!" he added, cheerily. I was buoyed. So then I found myself asking the seed man "I bet they all have exotic names too don't they?" and he pulled out a few packets. "Yeah! Mumbai. Bay Rise. Archibald!" Then he reflected, thoughtfully, that he used to have a dog called Archibald.
I walked home, considering how some of the most fascinating, unexpected and exotic connections are sometimes right in front of us.
Sometimes a wave opens up, and sometimes it closes. I suppose you can't have one without the other. But we can always choose where and how we focus our attention. The ability to laugh and cry on the same day is a gift and something to be cherished, and nurtured.
And so perhaps that is the quiet wisdom I’m carrying this week: the seeds of joy and sorrow are not opposites to be separated or compared. They are companions. They grow together and they make us whole, which means healthy. They allow us to learn what's exactly appropriate to the conditions, and to adapt.
To laugh and to weep in the same breath is not a weakness. It is the earthy foundation of a healthy and full life. It is not the absence of sadness that makes us strong. It is the courage to live with it alongside our joy, that allows us to rise.
To all those experiencing joy, and sadness, I salute you.
Best wishes,
Adam
PS Please let me know any thoughts, feelings, responses or qeustions any time. We are stronger together and I deeply appreciate your attention and our connection. Thank you.
